So... this is what I DIDN'T put in the FF.net review.
The idea that you've created... with living in Hell (I assume you were referring to the Hyuuga life) is very curious because I independently also came up with a VERY similar line.
Hmmm, I guess I should go back and change mine. Damn, 'cause I really liked it too... I references Dante's Inferno and everything! Oh well, I guess great minds really DO think alike, eh?
Oh, and just one, teeny, tiny, little bit of CC
He hadn't thought he knew how she really smelled like.
I think that the 'how' in this should be 'what'.
Also, I think the verb tense agreement may need a little look-see. I'm not sure. I'm really not the expert on that sort of thing. But it just sounded a little awkward to me. Maybe something like:
He didn't think he knew what she really smelled like
He hadn't thought he known what she really smelled like
No, both of those sad bad too. Maybe just a little revision of that line. Other than that. I loved it all.
P.S. When you write, it makes me happy (hence the icon)
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More reviewing...
Date: June 14th, 2007 07:33 pm (UTC)The idea that you've created... with living in Hell (I assume you were referring to the Hyuuga life) is very curious because I independently also came up with a VERY similar line.
Hmmm, I guess I should go back and change mine. Damn, 'cause I really liked it too... I references Dante's Inferno and everything! Oh well, I guess great minds really DO think alike, eh?
Oh, and just one, teeny, tiny, little bit of CC
He hadn't thought he knew how she really smelled like.
I think that the 'how' in this should be 'what'.
Also, I think the verb tense agreement may need a little look-see. I'm not sure. I'm really not the expert on that sort of thing. But it just sounded a little awkward to me. Maybe something like:
He didn't think he knew what she really smelled like
He hadn't thought he known what she really smelled like
No, both of those sad bad too. Maybe just a little revision of that line. Other than that. I loved it all.
P.S. When you write, it makes me happy (hence the icon)